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4 reasons for a woman to travel solo and have a blast

by Helen August 31, 2018

“Doesn’t it get lonely when you travel solo? And is it safe? A girl travel alone, I don’t know. It is risky. Why don’t you travel with Karen and her family?” These were the questions that my friends asked me when I told them I traveled somewhere solo. There seems to be this fear that solo travel is very unsafe for woman.

In contrary, I like to travel solo. Well, I love travelling period! If I can afford to, I will travel till my legs can no longer move. I could be a travelling gypsy in my previous life. My favourite pastime is reading travel blogs. It sort of like my mini “mind-get away” when I need to escape but can’t yet due to well…budget constraint.

Here are my favourite bloggers: Marie-Eve at To Europe and Beyond, Amanda at Dangerous-Business, Jodi at Legal Nomads, Kristin at Be My Travel Muse and Lauren from Never Ending Footstep. You can see it right? Yep, they are my pep. They are the awesome, fearless modern travelling gypsy ladies and they are fabulous. All of these fab ladies raised and discussed the issue of woman travelling solo. I didn’t know this issue was “a controversial thing” until I read their blogs. It is not easy to be a woman isn’t it?

Travel solo is common in my family because my mom, Karen or I all traveled solo at some points. I was 20 years old when I did my first solo stretch. I was in my 2^nd year of university and I well…sort of having a little too much fun and had a slight drop in my grade. A slight dip was all it took for my mom and Karen to get bend out of shape. The arm sergeant, also known as Karen drilled and then lectured me for hours before released me. So, I decided to take a year off to re-charge.

Inner Mongolia seemed like the right place for a re-charge, I decided. What would be better than goat milk tea, constant sand storms, freezing cold, cut-throat expensive leafy green and 50% of the foods were pickled? Yum! Signed me up. Like I said, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I had a little (just a little, I swear) to much fun. So, when a university in Inner Mongolia looked for an English speaking teacher, I jumped at the chance.

Inner Mongolia wasn’t a place of luxury but it was a place of raw beauty and you could learn a lot about Chinese culture, way of life, challenges and things that just perplexed you. I spent one year in Inner Mongolia and I traveled to most part of China during my 1 year stint there. Beijing, Datong, Dalian, Dandong (also known as the border between China and North Korea), and I almost made it to the Tibet border before I realized that I couldn’t go into this autonomous region because it was off limit to foreigner unless I got the authorization from the Chinese government. Well, I was very careful at the Dantong area to never cross to the hermit kingdom. The Kim’s educational camp (as they called) was not a place that I could survive.

My second and third solo run was Holguin, Cuba. I needed a break and Karen wasn’t available, so I just went by myself. I had a blast and everyone at the all-inclusive resort felt bad for me because they all thought that I had a bad breakup and went alone to lick my wounds. Seriously, why would people think that when woman traveled alone she had no one in her life? But they did and I didn’t brother to care. I had a blast though. It was restful and peaceful. I did what I wanted and when I wanted. Easy and breezy!

Then, I was tapped to travel to Ireland for a 6 months work assignment 2 years ago. Loved it! Every weekend, I was out and discovering the mystical land where leprechauns ran wild (well, in my imagination anyway). I tasted Guinness in all 4 provinces of fabulous country. Kissed the rock at Blarney Castle and did few more unspeakable things. Well, Karen thinks they are, but I don’t.

When back to my homeland of maple leaf and delicious maple syrup, I made short trips to Halifax, Nova Scotia and Montreal on my own. I am so used to travel by myself that I made a silly assumption that every women like travel solo. Yes, it was silly of me but I have always been very comfortable with my own company. I traveled with Karen often but I did a lot of things on my own. Whether going to the movie, shopping or weekend trip, I just did what I wanted on my own bucks and my own time. Anyway, I can easily amuse myself so it never bothers me. So, it was a bit of a reality dose when my fearless woman travellers pointed out that solo travel was not always ideal for women. Seriously? So why do people travel solo? Why I travelled alone?

Here are my 4 reasons to travel solo

1 – Live your life; don’t wait for anyone because you never know what you will miss.

Well, this is my biggest and main reason. I want to LIVE! And it is my life so I shouldn’t wait for someone else to get mine started. Granted, Karen will always support me (my one and only sugar mommy) but I don’t want her to give up things in her life to accommodate my needs. So when I saw a promo for round trip flight to Taipei, Taiwan for $500 last year, I salivated. Taiwanese food is on my list for many years. Din Tai Fung ‘s xiaolongbao (steamed dumplings), night market, the land of people that invested the heavenly drink called bubble tea that can instantly lift my spirit. What was I waiting for? Taiwan, here I come!

No one was available to go with me. Karen was building her dream home and desperately preventing my brother in-law/her hubby from turning their dream home into a case of “Vatican meet Forbidden Palace”. How do those two stay together for almost 20 years? They are at opposite end of most of things. I digress.

I had 2 choices: 1) go by myself or 2) wait for someone to go with me and pay $1,000 for same ticket. Forget that! I bought the ticket that night. Mark Chao, wait for me! O.K! Maybe not. I am not that into the brooding look and also Karen may pass out from envy. Like many Asian women who got a glimpse of Eternal Love, she succumbed to deep and sexy voice of Mark Chao. He is one good looking guy though. Say no more!

I was so jazzed planning to eat and drink my way thru Taiwan and possibility catching a glimpse of hot Taiwanese actor (hey, a woman can dream) till my mom decided that her precious granddaughter could potentially survive for 12 days without grandma. So, she promptly invited herself along. What? This was me time, mom. Ah, no it was no longer me time when my mom was involved.

So, my point is: live your life and others may decide to join you. If family and friends can join you, then it is great. If not, you never know when Cupid may decide to shoot you and a hot guy an arrow of fate and love. Just saying, it may happen for you. The best part of solo travel is you are the driver of your solo travel vehicle and you can go when and where you want! Live your life now.

2 – Make new friends and open yourself to new learning and possibilities.

I am an introvert and so I am reserved when I meet someone new. But once I get to know someone and get a comfort level, then I am a chatterbox. I discovered that when I traveled solo would open up to stranger. Yes, the oddities of me. During my trip to Cuba, I made friends with a gentleman who came to visit his son and daughter (they were Cubans while he was a Canadian). Through him, I learned so many amazing facts about Cuban daily lives, their culture, and what had been changing in that small but mighty little island over past 20 years. I had wonderful conversation with him and I looked forward to our daily chat because I learned so many interesting things and facts from him.

While trekking my way thru Kilkenny, Ireland I meet this wonderful lady who was on her first solo trip to Scotland, England and Ireland. This was a dream trip that she and her deceased husband wanted to make but he passed away before they had the chance. With him in her heart, she made the trip for both of them. We sat next to each other on the tour bus and became fast friends. I learned about her family’s journey from Ireland to US. I have a whole new appreciation for how tough the Boston Irish Americans could be. These people were tough as nails and hearty as Guinness drinks.

She was a delightful person and shared with me life story and her adventure eating of haggots in Scotland. I couldn’t believe my eyes. What was in that haggots? The best part was probably when we came across a store that had the same name as her maiden name. She was thrilled and to see the joy, amazement, and tears of happiness that she had was a great joy for me too.

I believed that people tend to be more open, willing and warmer when they travel. Partly because they tend to be in better moods (well, no work) and in a new environment which can tickle people sense of adventure and willingness to embrace new things including friendship. I made friends on trips that I still stay connected with. I have heard endless stories of how people met on trips and became friends or even romantic happy endings. Who know what you will get when you open your heart and mind to new possibilities.

3 – Stretch your comfort zone.

Pub hopping in the Dublin Temple Bar area was one of my best travelling experience. True be told, I am not a bar crawler. I got it out of my system in university days. I am the nice dinner with good wine and desert preferably with nice ambient kinda of woman. So when Karen and my friends learned that I pub crawled, they were flabbergasted. Well, I didn’t lose my mind temporary.

On a day trip to Glendalough, Ireland I met a fellow traveller who was also in Ireland for work, but she was there for one week only. We quickly hit it off and decided to have dinner when we reached Dublin. It was the Irish wine did us in, because we decided to go to Temple Bar after dinner and then we literally crawled thru every bar within the district that night. We danced and jammed with the bands and just had a really good time. To meet the objective of crawling thru every bar in Temple Bar area, we had each had 1 drink sang 2 songs at each location and then moved to the next target. Yep, we did.

On my own or with my friends, I would never do that. But something about being with someone who didn’t know my life story and a new place pushed me to do something totally out of character. I wasn’t sorry. I had a blast and wonderful memories.

4 – Time for reflection.

Karen told me about this one and I must agree with her on this. She travelled to a remote island in Cuba for a one week alone time leaving her then fiance at home. Our friends all thought that they had problem and Karen wanted time to think. The truth was Karen has been and always will be an independent woman and she wanted her me time for self-reflecting.

Alone time for self-reflecting is one healthy thing that you can do to bring peace to your mind. You will get to know yourself better than you ever have before, learn what truly makes you happy and what you need to work on to improve as a person. It can often be challenging to face these truths but learning to overcome and growth as an individual. When you’re on your own, you can do whatever you want without having to worry about anyone else. That freedom and solitude is incredibly liberating.

What are the downsides of solo travelling?

With all good stuffs of traveling alone, there are downsides too especially if you are a woman. Here are just of the few issues that most of the woman solo travellers and me identified:

1 – Safety

Safety was always on my mind when I was on my own and in a foreign land. It was difficult to ask for help because I didn’t know if I could trust someone to help me. There was always that nagging feeling that you could be taken advantage as a woman.

2 – It can be lonely if you are on the road for a long time.

Many of friends would agree this is one main reason for them to have a partner instead of going solo. We are sociable creatures and we thrilled on interactions with other human beings. So yes, it can be lonely when you are eating alone in the restaurant and have no one to share a joke, to enjoy the fabulous foods and discuss interesting that you learn on the trip. And don’t you hate it when the waiter condescendingly says: “Table for one?” It can sound so judging. I am being judged for dining on my own. Darn you waiter. No tips!

3 – Higher Costs.

For budget-minded travelers (aka Karen, the budget hawk), cost is a major downside because traveling alone nearly always works out to be much more expensive than traveling as a couple. As a couple, you can share meals, rooms and expenses. Let’s not forget about cost for private tour. It is definitely cheaper per person if you have 2 instead of numero uno. There’s no doubt about it: solo travel supplements can suck big time for the solo woman.

There are ways to mitigate these downsides though. And I definitely want to share with you.

1 – Know your limit and have self-control.

Ok, don’t roll your eyes at the screen. I know what is going thru your mind right now. Yeah, this is coming from a woman who did a pub crawl. Lady, listen to your elders! In my defense, I was not drunk that night. I knew that I would be able to handle the amount of alcohol and I drunk a lot of water in between to sober up. I was still able to walk, knew my direction, got in a taxi safely, paid the fair in correct amount and walked to my apartment in a straight line!

Hah! Also, I had my cell phone with numbers of couple of my peps who could bail me out of emergency situation. They were on my speed dial. I planned for these things. It was years in training with Karen, the planner. Yes, I will have fun but I always stop before I reach my limit and have control on my mind and body. So don’t drink to the point where you can’t fight back.

2 – Avoid empty streets or alleys.

Temple Bar was always a crowded area and I avoided the empty lanes at all cost. You never know who can be lurking around the corner so stay on the safe area where there are a lot of people can see you.

3 – Don’t go looking for trouble.

You should have fun and let loose, but don’t go looking for trouble unnecessary. Don’t go to areas that known as shady part of the towns. Single or travel in pair, you can get yourself into trouble if you go into those places.

4 – Listen to your instinct.

If your gut feeling is giving you a kick then listen to it! Don’t speak to someone if your gut is giving you the jitters or when the pit of your stomach drops like a ton. Listen to your instinct, mind and body.

5 – Look for savings.

As a solo traveler, you will have to pay a single room supplement if you stay in hotel or motel. But if you book an Airbnb apartment, it can save you a few bucks. When you make friend with other travellers and you have good feeling about them, it won’t hurt to ask if you can travel together for shared destinations so you can lower the travelling cost. I did that many times. I typically looked for other women who shared the same interests. It is your time to open yourself up to new adventure so explore the new possibilities.

I will end my rambling here. My last words on this subject are: I encourage you wholeheartedly to give solo travel a shoot. You may enjoy it and discover many new things about YOU! So, go buy that ticket to Taiwan, Spain, Italy, Korea or Peru. Wherever it is, don’t just have it as our bucket list. Do it! Make your bucket list come alive and don’t wait for someone to make the trip with you. You may be missing out on wonderful experiences if you wait. I would hate to see you looking back one day and say I wish I did that. So don’t wish! Just do it.

Share with me your solo travel tales. I love to hear it. I am obsessed about all things travels so don’t leave me hanging.

August 31, 2018 0 comment

Travel Your Health Your Relationship

Travel with your kids – A tale of nightmares or sweet memories

by Karen August 22, 2018

“Mamma, I miss Jake, the dog and the peacock”. My daughter said.

I was surprise. We didn’t have any pet and there certain no peacock in our house. Curious, I asked her: “Where did you see Jake, the dog and the peacock baby?”

“Remember? We saw Jake at the church and the peacock at the castle. And I pee pee. Remember?” She replied.

It took me a couple of minutes to realize where she would see the dog, the peacock and her pee pee. When my daughter was 3 and half, we took her to Ireland for a family vacation. During the trip, we visited an abandoned abbey where she needed to pee badly, and the guide was kind enough to show her how to use the “nature toilet” nearby. Luckily, no one caught her when she did “her pee pee” business. The star attraction of the abandon abbey for my daughter was a golden retriever named Jake. He belonged to a farmer who lived near the abbey and he frequently ran over. My daughter feel in love with Jake during the time we were at the abbey. Then at Malahide castle, we saw a bunch of peacocks on the castle ground and my daughter had an amazing time chasing after these beautify birds. She was very adamant that they wanted her to pet them even though they ran away from her.

I knew that she had a wonderful time when she travelled with us, but I often wondered how much memory my daughter could retain from our travels because she was so young. We took her travel since she was just 10 months old with the hope to instill the love of travel and learning new cultures in her. Well, I got my answer. She remembered the dog, the beach, the peacocks and the castles. Job well done, parents!

Both my husband and I agreed early on that we wanted to travel as much as possible with our daughter and travelling would be an important component of her learning and development. Most of our friends knew about this and they often asked me if my daughter would remember? Is it worth the cost and headache?

Because travel is not cheap, let’s just face that fact. The cost of airfare, food and accommodations are not much for a child but the stuffs you will have to prepare and alter to ensure your child safety and enjoyment on the trip is the real big cost. Also, it is not an easy task to travel with a young child, so is it all worth it? I will admit it is costly to travel one or twice a year with a young child, but it a life experience and knowledge that we believe is very important to her development and we commit to it.

The first trial run

So, our travelling story began when she was 7 months old. We wanted to have a family trip to Maya Rivera Mexico when she turned 10 months old, so we did a “trial run” short distance trip to build up her stamina for the big trip. Yes, I am a planner. I plan and have list for everything. To test it out, we took our 7 months old baby across the border into New York, US for a 2 days trip. The drive to the border wasn’t too bad because it was just about 2 and half hours. By the time we reached the line up at boarder Custom, she expired. In her little sit at the back of the SUV, she let out a loud scream and she won’t stop.

“How dare you parents and auntie. I am mad sitting in my sit for over 2 hours while you guys keep on talking. Well, I won’t have it anymore” she let us know her displeasure with her vocal chords.

My sister who sat next to my daughter at the back row of the car did everything to calm her down, but she didn’t stop. So there we were just 1 car away from the custom booth, my husband jumped out of his driver sit and picked her out of her sit to calm her down. I jumped into the driver sit, my sister got into the front passenger sit. In 2 minutes, we completely changed the sitting arrangement so my husband could calm down our precious screaming little tyrant. The custom agent was amazingly understanding and forgiving when he saw the agitated little tyrant in my husband’s arms instead of in her sit in a slow-moving car.

“Ah… they can be quite naughty. I have those at home. But you need to put her back in her sit when you drive out of here”, he told me.

I silently thanked my lucky stars for giving me this understanding dad/custom agent, we drove on. The rest of the trip was quite calm. We learned a valuable lesson from this trip; she would expire within a 2 hours window. So, we would need to have toys or stuffs to entertain her for the 4 hours flight to Mexico for sure.

The first vacation trip

Then, came the big day! We were going to Maya Rivera Mexico. It was a 4 hours flights after 2 hours waiting at the airport. Darn, this gonna be rough. In participation of a flight, I prepared a few things in addition to a carry-one full of diapers and all other stuffs that you typically needed when you had a 10 months old baby:

Toys, toys and few more toys.
Mushies – about 6 bags. These stuffs are great to get your kid to eat fruit and veggies in a fun way and it has other use. I will explain later. The only 2 ingredients in Mushies that I am not crazy about are: citric acid and ascorbic acid. Though these 2 things typically added in the adult and baby food as preservative and it is low dosage. But there is a possibility that citric and ascorbic acid can increase the acidity in your kid’s diet and may result in increased incidents of kid reflux. I was comfortable using Mushies because the dosage of the acids was low and she only ate them twice a year when we travelled.
One set of change of cloth for her and one extra shirt for me. The extra shirt for me was preventive measure and it came in handy when she vomited a bit of milk on me during the flight. Ah ha, my neurotic planning had it use.

Flying with kids

The flight was an enjoyable experience for us because we were well prepared and we got the airport with plenty of time. We were able to relax and get into the spirit of vacation from the moment we stepped into the airport. This is one tip I will leave with the parents when travel with young children. Children will find the most unfortunate time to throw a little tantrum so make sure you give yourself plenty of time to travel. You won’t enjoy the vacation experience fully if you are annoyed and rushing at the very beginning of your trip. So budget sufficient time to give your mind the space and ease to enjoy the experience fully.

Most parent’s fear is the kid’s ear get hurt due to air pressure in the plane and I have a solution for you. Give your kid something to eat during take-off and landing. Seriously! By forcing them to move their mouth to eat, you will help prevent the air pressure from hurting or blocking their ears. We always gave my daughter few Mushies just before the plane started to take off or getting ready to land. It worked every time and the flight was enjoyable.

There was an unfortunate family who sat couple rows ahead of us travelling with a 1 year old girl. They didn’t know this trick and the little girl’s ears were hurt due to air pressure. The little girl cried for almost 30 minutes. The parents were panic and embarrassed. Other passengers who sat near them were sympathetic but certainly they were also annoyed. I was certain that it wasn’t a pleasant flying experience for the family and few passengers.

Long at last, we landed in Mayan Rivera and spent a week at a wonderful resort. My daughter saw the ocean for the first time and well, she wasn’t a big fan because the waves were strong and loud. My hubby was very disappointed. He dreamed of building the sand castle with her but his dream was destroyed because she disliked the hot sand also. Well, he didn’t stay disappointed for long. It turned out she loved the kiddie pool and liked to fall asleep on her daddy’s chest near the ocean. The sound of ocean waves and her daddy ‘arms was what she needed to fall asleep. They had a wonderful bonding time and there were many first time memories for both her and us.

Now, there were bumps on the road. Just one day before the end of the vacation, my daughter had a fever. It turned out she had hand, foot and mouth disease. Well, she did spent 6 days in kiddie pool and you never knew what the other kids left behind in the pool. This was one of those nightmare scenarios that could happen when you travel with young children. The resort had a doctor on site (one of the many benefit of an all-inclusive resort) and he gave her medicine to reduce the fever.

The flight back home was not so enjoyable for us because she had fever. To help her calmed down, I used one proven method, breastfeeding. Work liked a charm on her every time but my boobs were another story. It one of those thing we all went through as mom. There is a reason why mother day is much bigger deal than father day. Sorry, dads! The truth may hurt a little.

Nightmare or sweet memories, there are many benefits of traveling for the children. But I believe the biggest winner are the parents. There is nothing more precious, happy and blissful then watching your child’s eye light up with laughter and curiosity when she discovers something new. To hear her giggles when she swims with you in a pool or see the smile on her face when she falls asleep on your chest. Those memories and moments of happiness are priceless and worth all the troubles and nightmares.

Since then, we have taken her to Cuba twice, then came the big Ireland trip and last year we went back to Mayan Riviera. Each trip brought different challenges but also memories. On her first trip to Cuba with me and my sister she fell in love with the ocean and sand. Yep, she got over the fear of loud waves. Granted, Cuban beach is gorgeous and very calm. On our last trip to Mayan Riviera she discovered Pina Colada (virgin naturally) and she learned to say “Pina Colada per favour. Gracias”. She had 2 small cups of virgin Pina Colada everyday. I begun to fear for her future as this might not be a great indicator for her choice of beverage.

For your kids, travel is crucial part of their learning and development. Travelling is about giving your child a memory and an experience. And after all, experiences are the building blocks that make us who we are whether we remember them all or not.

Here are the 7 top reasons to travel with your child:

Broaden the horizons of your child
Expands, alters and stretches your child’s mind and see the world in a whole new way
Help your child to be the future traveller
Enable your child to learn, acclimate and adapt to change
Help uncover your child hidden interest
Your child can let loose and be themselves
Create a lifelong family memory and bonding experience

The one thing that I love the most of travelling is learning. I learned something new about a culture, people, innovation and way of life every time I travelled to a new country. For my daughter, this translates to her understanding that there is no one single way or right way to do some things. There is always more than one right answer depending on the resources that are available and the options that she has.

Let just take food for example. My daughter is an adventurous eater. She will give every food a try and I credited this to the exposure she has had in a wide range of Mexican, Cuban, Irish, America, Korean, Chinese and a whole wide range of ethnic foods that she sampled. For her, eating a congee, drink healthy juice blend or ham, toast and egg are all part of breakfast. Actually she prefers Japanese’s cheesecake for breakfast, but we draw a line at desert. No sugar in the morning is my number one rule for her diet.

Food is just one example; there are many things that travel can help to broaden your child knowledge of the world. More importantly, travelling and new knowledge will instill in them the concept of innovation and there is more than one way to solve for a problem at an early learning stage. You can tell that I am one of those mothers who would totally go wild when my daughter does something new.

Nothing gives me more pleasure and joy than to see my daughter steps outside of her comfort zone, embraces change and pushes her limit. I am a firm believer that the children can easily learn to stretch themselves and experience things outside of their everyday life routine and comfort zone when they travel. The constant changes in their environment when travelling will push them to adapt to new changes quickly. Each time they do this, they will gain the confidence to push themselves further and further even when they are not travelling.

The younger your kids are when you start travelling with them, the faster they become better travel companions because they learn what to expect, what to do and more importantly what not to do. My daughter knows that every time I pull out her penguin travel suitcase, we will be going somewhere new. Without me asking, she will promptly drag the suitcase to her room and packs her clothes. She loves to travel and she knows what the adults expect of her at the airport, in the taxi ride or just getting up early in the morning to travel. When the plan began to lift or land, she promptly ate Mushies without us asking her to do so.

Don’t get me wrong, you need to have routine and schedule for your kid because we all have busy life. But it is also a fine line between complacency and routine. If there is no stimulant or change in routine, your kid will not likely to embrace change. We now live in the world that change is one constant guarantee, so your and my child ability to adapt and acclimate to change will give them life skills that they will need as the world continues to change.

I will now end my pitch for travelling with kid. There are couple of things that I will leave with you when consider traveling with young children.

Be prepared and test out your child time limit first. Try to have a short drive to see how much your child can tolerate before bundle him/her on a plan for hours of flying time.
Leave yourself plenty of travelling time so you can start your vacation with a good feeling and relaxation.
Give young children something to eat during the takeoff and landing. You will have a much better flying experience. I recommend Mushies, but you know your child taste bud best.
Be open to new experience. My husband was set on building the sand castle with my daughter and she didn’t like it. But when he opened to try a different experience, they had an amazing time and learned more about each other.
Push your child explore something new. Most of my friends thought it was wasteful to have a 3 and half year old experience Ireland, but they also agreed that my daughter seemed to growth so much more after that 15 day vacation. New environment and change accelerated her learning pace and she learned more quickly.

Have you travel with your child yet? Do you have any tips on travelling with children? Do share!

August 22, 2018 0 comment

Mental Health Your Health Your Relationship

Married or single, which is a better life choice?

by Karen August 16, 2018

Every one of us want to have “this friend” a brilliant, smart, funny, independent and among many other admirable qualities that you want to have and aspire to be. This is “the friend” that you want to hang out with and have a life-long friendship. I am fortune enough to have a friend like that and she is fabulous. We met in the MBA program and have become good friends. I introduced her to my sister and they also become good friend.

This brilliant friend of mine and my sister are both single and they have a lot in common. Top of their list is travel, eating and shopping. Yes, they do know how to enjoy life. Ignorantly, I held this belief that my friend and sister life was much easier than mine. They could go anywhere anytime and never had to compromise with a partner on any issue. I often joke that they are “the single and fabulous aunties” that my daughter loves them more than me. Actually, she does love the aunties as they are her main suppliers of chocolate, ice cream, bubble tea, cakes and they never discipline her.

Over of one of our frequent brunch, I complained to them the compromises that I had to make with my hubby on several issues. I concluded: “You two have it easy. You don’t have to compromise with anyone and on anything. Your life is much easier than me”. You know the moment that you just became an insensitive jerk? Well, that was the moment for me.

One admirable quality that my friend has is her forgiving nature. Gently, she told me that there were other aspects of being single that would not be easy on someone. When my friend was sick for days and she had to take care of herself while she tried to recoup. Things in the house broke down, she had to take care of it, there was no husband or partner who she could delegate the task to even though she was in middle of year end reporting and had to pull a 60 hours work week.

It was an eye-opening moment for me to realize that I was so caught up in my own bubble and problems that I didn’t see the challenges that my friend and sister had to handle on their own. It got me to think about our life choice of being single or married. Being single is not that easy as it seems. But being married is also not easy either. I would venture a guess that there is moment in every married woman’s marriage which she wishes to be singled and free.

Perhaps, it is when your kid was screaming, you are exhausting from work and your husband choses this perfect moment to ask: when dinner would be ready? Don’t you just want to dump the dinner on his head? I had a few of those moments with my husband. Does getting married make you happier, healthier, and better off physical and emotionally? Or single is a better choice for a woman mentally and physically? I don’t know the answer but I want to explore it.

Let’s talk finance!

When you have another person to pool your financial resources and share expenses, chance is you will have more financial advantages. Unless your partner is gambler or has bad spending habits, then you are out of luck. But in general, if both people work and generate similar level of income, you will have larger income to pay for expenses as well as investing. There are many researches that reached the same conclusion. One research in particular sited married couple would get a 77% increase in their net worth compared to a single person. That’s a hefty advantage. With the combined wealth and earning, there is higher chance of getting more return because you will have more funds to invest. Volume matters and it matters even more with time due to compound interest. My husband and I have a joint investment portfolio which we both actively manage. We started with $5,000 and in the next 10 years growing it to a $450,000 portfolio. We have our own individual portfolios so our combined assets make us attractive customers for bank. And we used this to our advantage and leveraged our assets to grow more assets over the years. Lastly, financial safety net is always on my mind and having a partner means that if I ever lose my job, we will have my husband income to fall back on.

Tax is a big part of your finance, and the tax man doesn’t discriminate married or single because your marital status has no impact on tax. Married couples don’t automatically benefit from tax but depending on income, some are eligible for deduction where single may not. For example, there is spousal RRSP contribution in Canada. The higher-income spouse can contribute to a spousal RRSP and get a tax break which can go up to 45% of the contribution depending on the income level and few other factors. In the US, there are a lot of tax breaks for the married folks as well.

Now, there is no joint asset and leveraging for single but it doesn’t mean there is no benefit. When you are single, you only have to take care of yourself and spending for one. So if you are single and earn a decent income, you can afford to do a lot of thing your way and to your heart desire.

Take my traveling gypsy sister for example. My sister makes good income which allows her to live a very comfortable middle-class life. As she has to no child care expense (well, because she can be the child sometime), she has more disposable income for her own enjoyment. She has one rule: travel to 2 destinations per year (last year it was Taiwan and Portugal, that travel junkie). And she took pictures of herself enjoying foods at Michelin restaurants and sent them to me. I could overlook Portuguese foods (not a big fan), but Taiwanese noodles and dumplings were a different story. And let’s not forget Taipei night market. That’s heartless punk.

On top of which she can afford all kinds of specialty tea and coffee and still has enough money in her budget to go out to eat with her friends on regular basis. Whereas, I got to spend time with mini-me in all-inclusive resorts. Ok, I start sounding like a brat now, but you get my point. When you are single, you can make all financial decision for yourself and your enjoyment. When you are married, you will likely have to make some compromise.

What about your health?

Most study show that married couples have more health benefits, (mainly man). A prime example is my husband. Before we have our daughter, I went on a vacation by myself because I wanted to have “me alone time”. I came home to boxes of frozen pizza and Costco pre-made salad. Needleless to say, he was thrilled to have home cook foods again. It is not just for man (though I suspect men are the winners), woman also have health benefit from being in a relationship. A 2013 study from the Journal of Clinical Oncology shows that being married may improve your chance of surviving cancer. Having a loving partner and children is a powerful motivator and emotional support that you will need to fight deadly disease. Mind over matter, and so when you are fighting deadly disease, the emotional support is just as important as medicine you have to take.

On the flip side, you will also have to make compromise when you share your life with someone. Most of us would want to do things our ways, so it can be challenging and stressful when compromise is needed. It can be a source of tension and stress for a relationship if both sides are not willing to collaborate and compromise. When we re-built our house, interior design was a source of many disagreements. I love classic and clean look while my husband’s taste is a mix of colours and shapes that my sister calls “Vatican meets Forbidden Palace”.

To make both of us happy, we agreed that the kitchen and 2 of the bathrooms were mine while he got to go wild with the master bathroom, living room and dining room. Well, we end up with a contemporary looking dining and living room; a classic white and grey kitchen with crystal chandelier, a very funky master bathroom with 5 different tiles and 2 soft and neutral looking bathrooms.

All or friends agreed, it is a case of compromise went BAD on interior design! These are just minor stresses. If you are in an unhappy marriage or relationship, the stress and potential mental effect on your health can be propounded. It is not just a funky and confuse looking house but it could also be your mental and physical health.

However, when you are single and doesn’t have family or back up, you will end up in the same spot as my friend and my sister. Whenever my sister got sick she just took care of herself even though we were literally 5 minutes’ walk from her house. Good thing is: she is very independent, but it can also very bad. When I found out that she was sick and was really upset that she didn’t let me know, she usually replied: yes, I deal with it. My friend is the same way. She was sick for 2 weeks and didn’t call or let me know. I was very annoyed with both of them for not asking for help when they needed. Their replies were: we deal with it. That was when I realized the trade-off for freedom of being single is self-reliance and sufficient.

When you are single, you have to make all decisions and shoulder all life challenges alone. It took a lot of guts, courage and healthy dose of confident be a single woman. I consider myself an independent woman, but I admit that I depend on my husband on a lot of things and vice versa. There are a lot of benefits of having a dependable partner and I don’t know if I can make single as easy as my friend and sister do.

Society Pressure

My sister once asked me “how is it our society accepts divorce and unhappy marriage but we don’t celebrate someone who is single and happy?” I don’t have an answer for her but the question stayed with me. It is true that most singles get pressure from family and friends to start a family.

My sister is a classic case. My mom pestered her at every chance she got about having a boyfriend and getting married. When she realized that my sister won’t budge, she re-negotiated for a grand-child by suggesting that my sister could adopt or make use of sperm bank. I didn’t think that my mom knew what a sperm bank was, but clearly she did. My sister is happy and content with her choice, but my mom just can’t accept it. She thinks that a woman needs to have a family of her own even as a single mother.

In contrast, my mom thinks that I have a good life because I have a good husband and a child that I love dearly. I don’t deny the fact that my family brings me joy (my daughter is my endless supply of love and rejuvenation) but both my husband and I have to continuously work hard to make our family and relationship last. There were many fights and near break-ups in between our 20 years together.

My sister commented that she didn’t want my life because I had to comprise with my husband and lost part of me in the process (yes, we’re very honest and blunt with each other). While I don’t think that I lost who I am in my marriage, I will admit that I have had to make a lot of compromises to make the relationship work. There were many things that I and my husband had to swallow and compromise. Top of my list is a very confuse looking house, and many other things that I can’t list them all.

After looking at the researches out there and re-examine life as single and couple, I don’t have a clear answer. From a financial and wealth building perspective, there are clearly advantages for married couples. But both choices can have positive as well as negative consequences on one’s health. These are logical reasons for this important life choice but there is also the factor of love. When you love and care about someone, you will compromise and have the kind of rewards that supersede everything else.

So, to be married or remained single, it is a choice that only you can make. Deciding whether to stay single is no small thing because it is a long and tough road ahead. You have to be self-sufficient and independent. Yet, getting married is not a guarantee to more wealth and happier life despite so many researches indicated so. So is staying single, by the way. I have seen how staying single can be happy and blissful while staying in an unhappy relationship can be detrimental for one’s health. And, the opposite is also true.

At the end of the day, you are the boss of your fabulous body and mind, so make the decision that is right for you and make you happy. Don’t let anyone pressure you or run to the nearest sperm bank because your mom’s nagging. It is not the answer and it won’t make you happy.

August 16, 2018 0 comment

Housing Investment Your Relationship

Share ownership – Buying a house with your partner or friend

by Karen August 7, 2018

“You Now Need $100,000 In Income To Buy A Typical Condo In Toronto”. This was the headline on a Huffington Post article this year. As the cost of housing escalates in densely packed metropolitan, the dream of home-ownership becomes unattainable for many young home buyers. Don’t be despaired, you can still purchase your dream home if you are willing to embrace some trade-offs. I am talking about the option of purchase a house with a friend or a family member. I won’t lie, there are pros and cons to this option and the list is a long one.

The benefits of buying a house with a friend or family member are:

1 – Able to qualify for higher amount of mortgage thus able to purchase a nicer home. With combined incomes of two, it will increase your mortgage approval amount and thus giving you more funding to buy the house of your dream.

2 – Share monthly housing expenses. When you are a homeowner, it’s your responsibility to pay for utilities, maintenance, and repairs in addition to the mortgage payment. The expense of owning and maintain a house is high and thus it would be easier on you to have another person share these expenses. Also, sharing expenses will likely reduce your expense and thus allow you to save a bit more for other things that you also want.

3 – Equity gain for your own home. A house is an investment and naturally, you expect to make some gains on this investment. The good news is that the longer you live together in the property and make the mortgage payment, the more equity you will gain. Equity is the difference between your home’s value and what you owe the lender. So when you and the co-owner decide to sell the property, the two of you can split proceeds from the sale and put the money toward a down payment on your own places.

Now, it is not all rosy when you purchase a house with a friend or family, there are downsides as well:

1 – It is not easy to move out. In a perfect world, you and the co-owner will live happily till the end of time. Alas, reality can be very cruel. Problems can arise between you and you may not be able to work out your differences. When you just co-rent a place with a roommate, it’s easier to walk away.

However, it’s not so simple when you jointly own a house. Both of you are on the hook for the mortgage agreement, and therefore, you’re both responsible for the debt. To break all ties, you have to: 1) sell the house, or 2) refinance in one owner’s name. Both options will take months to sort out and require a lot of time investment from both of you to break up cleanly.

Relationship is messy in both finance and personal. I know someone who brought a condo with a longtime friend. They were great co-owners and friends for years. Then one of them got married and her husband didn’t have stable income. He was a music teacher and had a hard time finding full time employment. So, he moved in with his wife and her co-owner. Well, it did work for about five months before things got really bad. At the end, they had to sell the condo and they also ended their friendship. Yep! It was a classic case of what could go wrong in shared accommodation.

2- Potential damage to your credit score if thing goes badly. As I mentioned, both of you are on the hook for mortgage payment, thus even if you pay your half on time but if your co-owner is not you will be impacted. The bank will report you and your co-owner’s late payment to credit agencies for non-payment or in the case of foreclosure. Equal ownership and punishment!

3 – Difficulty qualifying for other loans that you may need. A big mortgage on your credit report may limit your availability to qualify for other loans. The lender/bank will look at the amount of mortgage you’re responsible to pay monthly relative to your income. Since you’re responsible for the entire mortgage payment (your co-owner is also), your ability to service additional debt will decease as a result. When I was a banker, I often encourage spouses to deal with this issue by include both of them on loan application, however, you can’t just ask your co-owner to be on your loan application

Things to Consider before buying a property with family or friend

Buying a house with a friend can work well and be beneficial for both you. I have seen several partnership home purchases and they worked out to mutual satisfactions. But as I mentioned, I also saw how bad things could be when thing didn’t work out. Though, I am bias because I jointly own three properties with my sister and one with my “then boyfriend – now husband” in the last 12 years, I am happy to say that the co-ownership model works out well for all three of us. But it takes work, trust, being upfront and honest with each other from the very beginning.

Much like getting married, you both should be very honest and transparent about what you are looking for in the joint venture before jumping in to it. Just because you are family or you are in love today, it does not guarantee that things can’t go wrong in the future. When people aren’t happy, they tend to call lawyer and then you have to call one yourself. The only person who will be happy is the lawyers, so you should proactively set the expectation before jumping in. There are couples of things that I recommend you consider before buying a property with family or friend (future husband and wife are also applicable):

1 – Have an honest conversation about what you both want and keep the communication line open.

You MUST have a candid and transparent conversation about your financial situation and you need to have a plan together. I have the same conversation with my sister and my then boyfriend when we decided to buy a property together. Though I had a lot of faith and trust in both my sister and then boyfriend, buying a house was a very large investment and faith and trust alone will not protect both of us in the event that the relationship break down.

So be PROACTIVE and don’t assume you know what the other person wants because he/she may surprise you. I called it “open kimono” conversation because all parties should be very transparent and don’t hide anything even the smallest issue. Wow! I just got the visual of that statement, but I really want to emphasize the important of it.

Also, ensure that you have open dialogue and communicate what issues bother you frequently. Don’t hold it inside and then explore at your partner out of the blue. My hubby was a classic example. It took many flights and me reinstating that I wasn’t a mind reader for him to get into the habit of communicating to me instead of internalizing the issue and let it festered.

2 – Have a home-ownership ‘prenuptial’.

OK, I can practically see the judgment in your eyes. It sounds really bad and negative that I want you to think of how to end the relationship before the relationship even starts. I always prefer to think that the glass half full and giving peoples the benefit of the doubt, but this is one situation that I advocate for a pessimistic mindset. You need to lay down some ground rules and clearly define your “red lines”. That’s where co-ownership agreements come in. These documents are the prenuptial agreements of home-ownership and they are the only way to resolve ownership issues aside from court proceedings. When so much of your hard earned money is at stake, it’s important to address at least these concerns:

How much each of you can contribute to down payment? I highly recommend the 50/50 contribution because it is much easier to decide on ownership percentage and how to divide the house expense.
What are the ownership percentages? If you are a Canadian residence, you could jointly own the property as: 1) tenants in common or 2) joint tenants with right of survivor-ship. As tenants in common, each person would own a percentage of the property, and could sell his/her share or leave it to any beneficiary upon death. On the other hand, joint tenants means that each of you would have an equal, undivided interest in the property so if one of you dies, the share would go automatically to the survivor. There are pros and cons with both of these arrangements. With joint tenants option, you can bypass estate administration and taxes which is really nice solution if you want to avoid paying tax to CRA. The downside is the obvious, if you want to leave your share to someone else (rather than the co-owner) you can’t. Now, tenants in common would allow you the financial control over your share of the property and the power to leave your share to a beneficiary of your choice. Nice option heh! But there is also downside. You both have the option to sell or give your share to someone else without consent. Thus you could end up sharing ownership and/or living with someone that you don’t want as a result. I highly recommend you both to sit down with a real estate lawyer and flush out these details before deciding on the ownership model and percentage. This is an expense that you should pay because it will save you a lot of grieve in the future.
How are ongoing expenses divided? You need to decide who will take care of home maintenance tasks and how the bills for utilities, insurance, and unexpected repairs will be handled. Again, money causes problem so you should proactively address it.
How to divide up the joint household task? Silly joint household stuff like: who will take out the trash? or who have dip on the kitchen or have the bigger room should be ironed out. I am serious about this. My “then boyfriend” and I had many mini fights over whose turn to take out the trash. He can’t cook but hate washing dishes. I am the cook but I am not gonna wash dishes when I cook the meal too. You can see how this can get ugly quite fast right? So be proactive and set the expectations before you cohabitate.
What happens when one of you want to sell? When one of you wants to sell your share in the house, you are not required to sell to someone approved by the other owner. Well, now that is a winkle. But if you have a co-ownership agreement in place, it can grant the co-owner the right of first refusal. Again, a real estate lawyer will be very useful in helping you put in place agreements so you don’t have to deal with this headache if the worst case scenario happens.

Final thoughts

I will say it again, co-ownership is not a decision you should rush into much like a marriage. This is a decision that you should take the time to consider and investigate. Do what the bank will do to qualify someone for a loan:

Do a credit check on your co-owner/owners. Know for a fact how his/her income and assets to get a better sense of how likely he/she will make timely payments as well as his/ her ability to make payments if income is lost
Hire a real estate lawyer to create a cohabitation agreement which outlines important details that I mentioned above
Lastly, it is worth considering taking out a term life insurance policy on each other. The payable amount on the policy should be enough to cover the mortgage in the event that one owner dies

Now that I sufficiently scare you off with my negative prenuptial talk, I would also like to highlight that there are benefits to co-ownership that I also highlighted above. A home co-ownership is just another relationship. If you are being honest, transparent and considerate of your co-owner, the relationship will last and you both can gain from the joint investment. I am an example of how well it can work out. 12 years later, I co-own three properties that worth over $2.5 million and my relationship with both my sister and husband are still going strong. Well, I haven’t poisoned his foods and he learns to take the trash out. My sister and I are building this blog together and we haven’t attempted to choke each other yet. I consider that a success…well…you be the judge.

How about you? Consider buying a home with a friend or family? Write to us about your co-ownership experience.

August 7, 2018 0 comment

Housing Your Relationship

Cohabitating with friend – Is the saving worth the headache

by Helen July 13, 2018

As cost of housing rockets in densely packed metropolitan, more people are looking to cohabiting with family or friends. In North American society, it has been a trend for children to leave the nest, but in the recent year, the trend has been on a reserved as more and more young people move back home with their parents because they can’t find work, get laid off or just go thru life event. I also made the same decision. Yep! I move in with my family.

I am still reeling from the shock of my decision. I made the decision to move in with my family based on pure economic motive. Coincidentally, after I made this decision I went through one of the harder experiences in my life and is now without a job. Though I was very reluctant at first, I soon realize that there are a lot of benefits of living with my family. Honestly, I didn’t come to this decision easily. It took a look of thinking, debating, dreading and quite frankly kicking myself in the back side before I gave into logic and took the plunge.

Dream to reality

I brought a new built 2 bedrooms condo and I moved into my condo almost a year ago. Check out my post on how I brought this townhouse. After waiting for 3 years, my condo was built. I was ecstatic when I got the key from my builder. I couldn’t wait to deck out my cozy home with my hobo gypsy decor. The plan was for my mom and me to live in this condo. But on the date of moving, her highness informed me that she wanted to move in with Karen because she wanted to spend more time with her precious and only grandchild. WHAT? I immediately talked to Karen and then it was Karen’s turn to collapse and threaten to move in with me. Well, she didn’t see that one coming.

After much discussion, we couldn’t change our mother’s mind. Swallowing our frustration, we decided that I would continue to live in the townhouse while my mother moved in with Karen. My brother in law (Karen’s hubby) was happy about his because he has great relationship with my mom. Seriously, I sometime think that he is her child, not us.

This arrangement worked out well for me initially. I was living on my own and totally loving my space. But I also realize that the 1,000 square feet townhouse was too big for me to take care off. The mortgage payment was sizable and swallowed up 1/3 of my net income which meant I had to reduce a lot of variable expenses to balance my budget. One of my biggest sacrifice was cutting down on vacation expense. This was a stab to my heart because I LOVE travels. Is this 1,000 square foot home a worthwhile trade-off for my love of travel? I wrestled with the decision.

Questions and Answers

One faithful Saturday morning, I looked at my messy townhouse, mentally made notes of what I had to clean, started to dread spending my precious weekend time cleaning the space that I didn’t even use (literally I was only using half of the property), and dreamed about the Japan-Korea vacation that I couldn’t afford this year. I was also going thru a rough time at work. The toxic corporate environment was getting to me and impacted my mental and physical health in a big way. But I just couldn’t quit my job because I had a mortgage to pay. Unhappy at my job, yet couldn’t walk away because I needed the income to pay for a house that was too big for me.

That was when I had my DOH moment. I realized I didn’t need to have 1,000 square feet with 2 bedrooms when I worked long hours and wanted to travel more. Right there and then, I made the decision to downside and made drastic changes to get my life back on the happy and blissful track. There were couple of options that available to me:

Rent out my townhouse and then rent a small bachelor for myself.
Rent out my townhouse then move into Karen’s basement
Rent out my townhouse then move into with a friend

I didn’t want to sell my house because I knew that property in my area would continue to increase. If I have a tenant to pay the mortgage for me, I could gain more in equity when I decide to sell eventually. Time to sharpen my pencil and do the math! All 3 options would reduce my monthly housing cost substantially because I could easily rent my townhouse for ~$2000 per month which would give a $500 surplus ($2000 rent income – $1200 mortgage payment – $300 maintenance fee = $500 surplus). It is a new build townhouse and the property tax paid 2 years in advance, thus I won’t have to pay property tax in the next 2 years. Nice investment! Out of all three options, moving in with Karen was the most logical choice because:

Free rent which will reduce financial burden for me. To many of you, this may sound strange but, in my family, (yes, Karen’s hubby included) we willing to pool resource and share our spaces with each other. This option will allow me to take a lesser paid but also less demanding job while getting start on my dream of building this blog to provide knowledge supporting and empowering women. And I can travel again. Japan and Korea, here I come. My sashimi, budae jjigae, bibimbap food fantasy excursion will soon be a reality!
Living in same house will make it easier for Karen and I to collaborate on this blog

Decisions and Actions

It was then my turn to sit Karen down and told her my decision. She didn’t collapse to my surprise, instead she came to the same conclusion on her own and was afraid to bring it up to me. She knew that I needed to make a change in my life direction because I wasn’t happy with the ways things were. My brother in law was also supportive of my decision much to my surprise. It is very comforting and encouraging to have family who will support you when you are going thru a tough time.

I love my family and you can probably tell that we are a very close knit one. But even as close and caring as we are to each other, there need to be rules and boundaries to help the entire family function effectively, and reduce stress for everyone. So, we had a frank and honest discussion as a family about this new living arrangement. 4 big rules that we agreed on were:

Set up basic ground rule such as babysitting availability. As much as I love my little monster, I need my space from time to time and they can’t just dump her on me. Love you, baby!
Everyone understood that the basement is my space. That means, they will have to knock and ask for my permission before enter. I keep my private spaces like bedrooms and apartments off-limits to them but I make the exception for my niece. The little monster has my permission to come and go as she pleases
Openly discuss who would take care of chores, cooking, and shopping. We all agreed that we would function as separate household meaning they will do their cooking and I do my. I make one exception for Karen’s lunch. I make her lunch because we both eat the same type of food
Discuss rent payment. For now, I won’t have to pay rent until I can find a new job

Some tips

I got to say, it is not as bad as I thought. I have been living with my family for couple of months and things are working well. Aside from the fact that we are a close knit and supportive family, open communication really helps to harmonize the family interaction. Couple of thoughts that I want to leave with you if you consider moving in with family or friend:

Set up basic ground rule upfront. Be transparent and honest about what you want. Don’t try to sugar coast because you will likely end up in conflict later on
Openly discuss who would take care of chores. Proactive discussion will ensure that everyone understand and accept their role and contribution in the living arrangement thus avoid conflict or unexpected issue in the future
The big M word, Money. It is important to have honest discussion about rent even with your family. Don’t make assumption. Discuss and confirm that everyone agree on an outcome. You don’t want to lose family relationship over money.
Pick your battles. Annoyances can arise when living with family. Someone may have messy habits or pet peeve that annoys you. For me, my dear mother’s habit of chewing with her mouth opens. Seriously, that sound can drive me nut. Karen can’t stand it either. But don’t fight over these small things. Pick the battles worth fighting for. Learn patience and swallow the petty stuff; invest in the battles that really matter. Like my mother’s constant nagging about me having a kid and get married. I took my stance on this battle. As of now, mom is zero and I am up 1. HAH!
Have on going dialogs to make sure everyone is still happy with the living arrangement and make adjustment as needed.

Initially, I found it challenging to live under the same roof with my family, but this experience seems to strengthen my family bond even more. It is a nice feeling to know that I have people whom I can count on to help me thru life’s rough patches. How about you? Are you consider moving in with family and friend? Write to me about your experience.

July 13, 2018 0 comment